Man, I Can't Take You Anywhere!
by bunsdarien
Summary: The team goes shopping at walmart..And tries not to get kicked out. Slash, but no...


Man, I can't take you anywhere!  
Rating: Pg-13 Humor, slash-but no Sex! Language

Written orginally May 22, 2003

Authors: Chaff and Bunsdarien

Review please

Unbeta'd. Your forwarned. Just a little madness.

Man, I Can't Take You Anywhere!  
By: Chaff and Dee

"Okay, SG1, you have the weekend off. Enjoy...Dismissed."

"Sweet! Team night, kids. My house." Jack announces as SG1 is getting up to leave.

"Watching the game, or renting videos, Sir?" Sam inquires.

"Whichever."

"Videos!" Sam, Teal'c and Daniel answer in unison.  
Showered and dressed, the team makes their way up top.

"Teal'c, you're with me. Sir? Are we heading straight to your house?"

"We need munchies, Jack. Your supply is tapped." Daniel pipes in.

Patting Daniel's belly, Jack replies, "Jeeze Daniel, I wonder why. Okay then, the convenient store?"

"They're too expensive, Sir. You practically have to take out a loan to buy a candy bar there."

"Walmart it is then." Jack announces as they get in their vehicles.  
Jack pulls in and parks outside the shopping center. " Ready?"

"Jack, why don't you and Teal'c go get the movies, and Sam and I will get the junk food. We can save time that way."

"What!? No way! I want to get my own stuff. You NEVER get what I ask you for."

"Jack...You asked for Twizzlers. I got Twizzlers. How did I mess that up?"

"I specifically asked for cherry. You got strawberry. You KNOW I hate strawberry!"

"Really? Well you weren't complaining about the strawberry body candy you licked off me last week!"

"Oh God! I SO did not need to hear that guys. Eeww!" Sam complained, standing beside the truck.

"Sorry Carter...Didn't realize the window was down a bit." Jack apologized while adjusting himself in his suddenly too tight jeans.

Daniel snorts, noticing the movement,"Yeah...doesn't seem to be bothering you now either."

Jumping out of the truck, a discouraged Daniel grabbs Sam's arm, "Hey Sam, let's try and keep away from him in there. He's so immature when we're shopping. It's really embarassing."

Whole heartedly agreeing, Sam follows Daniel's lead into Blockbuster.

Teal'c was bringing up the rear with Jack.

"O'Neill, I hope you will behave yourself in there this time. Last time, the store clerk threatened to have you escorted, by the authorities, out of the store."

"Hey T, that wasn't my fault! I had my hand on that video FIRST!"

"O'Neill...you were arguing with a child, over a child's movie."

"Hey! Adults watch Disney. And that was the last copy of Brother Bear! Survival of the fittest!"

"Threatening to feed him to an Unas may have taken it a bit too far."

"Oh..Yadda, yadda!"

Teal'c gives a groan then, sounding like the Addams Family butler.

"C'mon Lurch, let's get some movies." Jack suggests. "Anyway, It's not like he knew what an Unas looked like."

"That's because MajorCarter effectively removed the copy of 'Enemy Mine' from your grasp before you could show the child."

Once they reached Sam and Daniel, Daniel complains, "Christ Jack! We heard you coming from the parking lot. The clerk is probably already calling the police."

Looking around like they were going to be jumped any second, he adds, "I KNOW they remember you from the last time when that woman accused you of assaulting her seven year old."

"What!? He assaulted ME! He kicked me in my bad knee! All did was remove his fingers from MY movie!"

Sam snorts at this and remarks to Daniel, "Too bad the kid wasn't a bit taller."

Daniel starts to get a good laugh, then immediatly sobers. "Oh, Hey! That's not funny!"

"All right, pack it in troops. Grab some movies and let's go. The night isn't getting any younger." Jack orders.

"Just like you, O'Neill."

"Hey T, you're a Hell of a lot older than I am." Jack quietly replies to Teal'c.

"Yes I am...and both of my knees are in excellent shape."

It was Jack's turn to groan like Lurch.

Inside of Walmart, the group makes their way to the candy and cakes aisle. Each throws a few things into the cart.

"Daniel?" Jack calls out.

Turning his head, "Yeah, Jack?"

"There's something we need. Why don't you go get it?" Jack requests, pointing towards the Health and Beauty Aids section.

Wide eyed, Daniel complains, "Aw Jack! Why do I have to get it? Why can't you go instead?"

Shaking his head, "No can do. I'm getting myself the EXACT munchies I want. Now be a good doctor and go get it, will ya."

Jack makes a grab for Sam's box of cakes. "Waddaya got there, Carter?"

"Sir, Keep your hands OFF my Little Debbies!" Sam orders while snatching her cakes back out of Jack's reach.

"Well YOU grabbed for my Twinkey! I suppose that's okay?"

"I NEVER touched your Twinkey! It was your Snowballs I was after!"

Teal'c, noticing the crowd starting to stare, offered," DanielJackson, I will assist you in your embarassing quest for lubrication."

"Um...Okay...thanks." The two make their way to the area of the lubricants. "I hate this! Why do they have to put this stuff in the feminine hygiene aisle? GREAT!" He said a little louder than he planned.

"DanielJackson?" Teal'c asked, concerned.

Daniel just shrugged his shoulders. Of course there's about ten women occupying the aisle.

"Do not fear my friend. I will take care of this for you."

Clearly relieved, Daniel replies, "Thanks Teal'c. Thank you so much. I'll just be over here." Daniel informs him, pointing in the opposite direction of the crowded aisle.

Daniel moves about twenty feet away for good measure.

Teal'c stares intently at the different types of lubricant on the shelves in front of him, ignoring the chuckles coming from the teenage girls watching him.

Grabbing ahold of a few, he starts to read the backs. Keeping only two in his hand, he puts the rest back. Turning, he calls out, "DanielJackson?"

Daniel, hands in his pockets, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible, turns to Teal'c.

Teal'c, holding a bottle of Astro-glide and a bottle of KY, calls out, "Which do you prefer?"

Daniel's jaw dropped. The chuckles from the girls turn into full hysterics. His face bright red, he mouthes, 'KY'. Teal'c nods and turns back, placing the Astro-glide back on the shelf.

Casting a glance at a larger tube of KY than the one he was holding, he calls out again, "DanielJackson? Do you prefer the large tube or the small?"

Eyes fairly bulging now, he drops his head and puts up a hand, telling Teal'c whatever is fine. Just as he's about to make a break for it to try and salvage what little dignity he has left, he's stopped dead in his tracks once more by Teal'c.

"DanielJackson? Do you need Regular, or Sensitive?"

Not able to take any more, Daniel fairly yells, "Just GRAB one and let's GO!"

"But DanielJackson, did you not have a rather embarrassing rash last time? I do believe I will grab the Sensitive."

After finally getting away from the most humiliating situation he can remember being in, Daniel hisses at Teal'c, "Jack put you up to that, didn't he?! How the hell else would YOU know about my rash?!"

Teal'c and Daniel met Jack and Sam at the checkout line. Jack was just yelling out, "Hey...There's only twenty people on each line! Don't you think you should close a few registers down?!"

Noticing Daniel, Jack asks, "Got everything?"

"Yes!" Daniel says, aggrevated that Jack would put Teal'c up to embarrass him like that.

"Good. Been on line for about FIFTEEN MINUTES NOW!" Counting the people ahead of him, he announces, "And we still have eighteen people to go."

"Sir..." Carter states, "I'VE been on line for fifteen minutes. YOU just got back."

Daniel and Teal'c eye Jack. They are about to say something when an argument from the next aisle catches everyone's attention...."CONDOMS! What the hell do you need condoms for?!" A woman asks a man. "I thought you wanted a baby!"

Another argument, accompanied by a loud slap, is heard behind them. Two women are arguing, "You BITCH!! You're cheating on me with a MAN!!"

The rest of the team look accusingly at Jack, who has his hands folded behind his back while he looks around trying to play the 'innocent party'.

Daniel glares at his soon-to-be ex-lover. "Man....I can't take you ANYWHERE, can I?"

Ignoring the few other arguements breaking out at various places in the store, the team continues it's staredown of Jack. "I...I...Have to use the restrooms." With that, he starts to walk away.

"O'Neill...The restrooms are identifiable by the presence of sinks and toilets."

"Oh for pete's sake! Don't you think I know that?! The fitting room thing was just a JOKE!"

"Yeah right, Jack. That's why you hollared for toilet paper." Daniel snorts and rolls his eyes.

"That was for effect!" Jack defends.

"Well Sir, it wasn't very funny. The sales lady fainted. It caused quite a commotion."

"My plan all along. Ah HELL! If we can get out of here by...say...midnight, then I could possibly hold it."

Sam lets out a heavy sigh, "We are SO never doing this again."

Daniel agrees, "You've got that right. Besides, here comes security. I doubt they'll ever let us in here again." Noticing the group of laughing teenagers have appeared behind them in line, and they appear to find him funnier than ever, he adds, "Not that I'll ever show my face in here again, anyway."

With a slight smirk and a raised eyebrow, Teal'c adds, "Indeed."

THE END


End file.
